A Joshua Tree Offwidth Climbing Primer
Apr 28th, 2009 by hjschmidt
STARRING IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:
- Pamela “the offwidth ninja” Pack
- HJ “does this shirt make me look like Bob Scarpelli” Schmidt
- AND, OF COURSE, JOSHUA “THE WHITE RASTAFARIAN” TREE
Our story begins with the eruption of Mount Redoubt in Alaska. This was not only an ominous omen, (since climbers don’t really like mountains disappearing), but it delayed Pamela’s departure from Alaska by about a week. The effect this has on your average offwidth ninja is something akin to putting scotch tape on the pads of a cat. (Taught to me by a vet of all people. Try it, the results are entertaining.) Anyway, we make it to Joshua Tree and meet up with Jay Anderson (who Pamela has wanted to meet as he’s the first ascensionist of Lucille, a 5.13 offwidth thats been downrated to .12d and is in reality probably just a series of 5.8+ moves, but I digress…) So we meet up with Jay Anderson and a group of ageing offwidthers, the self proclaimed widefetish gang. This proves to be an entertaining first evening at the FISH compound due to copious ammounts of alcohol and some gasoline and rags since there was no LSD available.
The next morning, Pamela and I head out to find The Inquisition, which the widefetish crew has assured us is a heinous boulder problem. Now, you might think that The Inquisition would be located at Inquisition Rock. If this is so, you would be sadly mistaken. Pamela and I spent 40 days and 40 nights wandering in the desert and saw no sign of The Inquisition. Later in the day, we found out that it was located below The Rusty Wall. Once we had that information Pamela managed to make quick work of this boulder problem. (If you’re really into wasting time, watch what I believe is the all-time funniest climbing video ever of Russ and Will working on this problem at http://www.fishproducts.com/movies/inqusition_small.mov but you’ll need bandwidth for it.)
A side by side comparison of offwidth ninja technique vs. white trash technique
Pamela looking comfortably batty
hj looking batty and uncomfortable
Pamela getting after it
HJ trying to get it
Differences between a true aficionado and your average weekend warrior are well illustrated by these images. Notice the subtle differences in body position: Pamela has wedged her entire body into the crack and is moving on an arm-bar, HJ is half in-half out of the crack and is pretending his right palm might actually help him. Notice the differences in clothing choices: Pamela is sporting black and blue, which will match her body color after she has finished the climb, HJ is wearing shades of green which will match the color of his face when he falls out of this thing.
The week pretty much went on in the following vein. We’d spend evenings at The FISH compound working our core muscles by laughing hysterically at Russ Wallings stories of YOSAR folks on LSD. I would con Pamela into doing some 5.10 classic that turned out to be heinously sandbagged, then we’d wander the desert looking for obscure offwidth boulder problems.
Pamela searching for "Throbbing Gristol" turns out we were right on top of it
I took some nice scenic shots, some color, some with my panaramic camera (all film).
sunrise, real hidden valley
the outback
cactus flower
red desert flowers
late afternoon near barker dam
On our second to the last day of our trip, we went out to The Inquisition with the widefetish gang and played around some more. Pamela showed everyone else how to crank offwidths, and the rest of us fell alot. We also worked on another boulder problem and did Wanger Banger and O’Kellys Crack on The Rusty Wall.
Beth, Jay, Billy and Will hanging out
On our last day Pamela was still mad for more punishment so we went back out to Throbbing Gristol, this time managing to find it. It was a probably a good place to be as it was in a shady, cool coridor and it was an absurdly hot day.
Pamela displaying her large units
"This is real work"
UNBELIEVABLY this was a very succesful trip despite ridiculous odds. I learned how to climb upside down. Pamela learned the subtleties of walking five miles to climb twenty feet. We met the Widefetish Crew and achieved double workouts by climbing all day and laughing all night. We arrived home battered and bruised. What more could you want from a spring vacation?
The vid is pretty f-ing hilarious. I doubt I could even get into that slot!
There was no doubt in my mind that HJ (aka Heironomous Josch) was secretly thrilled as I forced him to walk by classic after classic Joshua Tree finger/hand cracks in search of the elusive, obscure, painful and weird offwidths. HJ truly basked in the glory of climbing these evil routes — 10 feet of “climbing” followed by what feels to be endless amounts of time hyper-ventilating, vomitting and bleeding profusely.
Aldude summed it up the offwdith experience nicely: “the genre is rife with self-loathing, flagellation and sado-masochism…” Yes indeed we are a sordid crowd and HJ fit right in of course. All in all the Widefteish guys are not just bad-ass climbers and the hottest middle-aged men I’ve ever encountered but they are also my hereos.
Well, back to the gasoline and rags for now and maybe a few sit-ups. ~Shanti